Granny’s Story
After the turkey was carved and the mashed potatoes heaped into piles on our plates, my granny decided to tell my parents and me of an adventure she recently had. I buttered my roll and listened intently.
Backstory
For the last couple of years, my 85 year old grandmother has been volunteering with the Meals on Wheels program. Her theory is that if she is still healthy and capable, why not help those who aren’t as fortunate. Every week, she loads up her car with previously cooked meals and sets off on her usual route.
And now for Granny’s story:
Granny: “I showed up at Barbara’s house last Wednesday to drop off her chicken pot pie and was surprised to find her in an exceptionally good mood. Barbara is a 50 year old woman who has been under a lot of emotional stress over the last year, so she signed up for the program in order to eliminate some of the excess responsibilities that were giving her trouble.”
Joe: “Makes sense.”
Dad: (chomping on stuffing) “mmmhmmm.”
Mom: “Joe, get me more champagne please.”
Granny: “When she answered the door the first thing out of her mouth was ‘I got rid of them!’ I thought she was referring to her husband whom she recently left. But before I had a moment to think about it, Barbara ripped open her button down shirt and exposed her lack of breasts. My jaw dropped and Barbara said ‘Granny, I’ve wanted to do it for years and I finally just saved up my money and had them removed.’”
Joe: (choking on turkey) “What!?!?”
Mom: You’ve got to be kidding me!
Dad: (now chomping on peas and potatoes) “mmmmmhmmmmm…I love peas.”
Granny: “No, I’m not kidding. Barbara had her breasts removed and was excited to show me.”
Joe: “What. WHAT. WHAT?!!?”
Granny: “I should have known. Every time I dropped off her meals, she was always wearing overalls and worker boots.”
Joe: “Granny, were you shocked or what?? I mean, I live in NYC and I have NEVER in my LIFE come across something like that. What is wrong with that woman that she shows off her newly flat chest to an 85 year old woman?!”
Granny: “Well I don’t know Joe. I was kind of surprised too.”
Joe: “What did you do when she ripped open her shirt?”
Granny: “I smiled and handed her the pot pie.”
Mom: (beat red from holding in her laughter) “Oh Granny…”
Dad: “Sure is good stuffing!”
Joe: “I’m just shocked. Did you tell her that she looked good or that you were happy for her?”
Granny: “Not really. I gave her the pot pie and drove away to my next stop.”
Joe: “I can’t believe that in a small suburb of Utica, NY, you were exposed to something like this. You lived 85 years of your life without ever dealing with something of this nature. And now…”
Granny: “Now I know what it looks like when a woman has her breasts removed. The overalls should have been a dead give away.”
Dad: “Anyone ready for seconds?”
Even writing this story down, I get the willies up and down my spine. I mean, who DOES THAT to a GRANNY?!?! Bizarro world we live in I tell ya! |
